My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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