is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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