when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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