can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
