Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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