you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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