just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
