I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
