not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
