Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
