it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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