i don't like sucking hair
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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