My hand turned me down
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
