I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
