"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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