I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
