Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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