every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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