it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
