I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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