Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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