Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
