My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
