I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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