You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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