Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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