apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
