His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
