Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How external is "for external use only"?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
