Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
