I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
