He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
