Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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