I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
