Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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