this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
