Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
