the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
