just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
