I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
