So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
