drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
