The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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