She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
