I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
