I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
