Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
