what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm passing your future prison.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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