Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
