you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
