sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
