Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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